The biggest mistake of my life and what it was like to be with an alcoholic

I’m not dwelling on the past, just using this to vent things I need to get over.

I made a really stupid decision August 2011. I was friends with a guy I had met online a few years before and we had gotten pretty close. I was finally able to visit him. It was only going to be for a weekend and I was going to go back home on the Monday but I ended up moving in with him instead. He lives in a small town I had never even heard of before. I was fully aware that he had some issues but I stupidly assumed I could “fix” him.

The relationship didn’t start too healthy now that I think about it. He drank alot and I was at that point as well. He was always angry when he was drunk. He’d start out fine but then keep drinking and then the anger would come out. The first few months, he’d call me by his ex-girlfriend’s name and make up issues that weren’t even happening. He threw me into the bathtub when I tried to help him stand up so he could go to bed. The next day, he would always forget what he had done the night before.

Over the months we were together, his drinking escalated. He also started doing coke. I’ll admit, I did as well but not as often as he did. I felt like I had a problem so I talked to my psychiatrist about it and started seeing an addictions counselor. It was hard to quit drinking when he constantly had alcohol in the house.

Our arguments were more frequent as well. I felt like I couldn’t do anything right. He was always angry with me. He stopped showing affection towards me and we were sleeping separate as well. When he was drunk, his anger was explosive. He’d get online and argue with his friends for no reason and I would try to calm him down which resulted in that anger being turned on me. He’d throw tables over onto their sides, breaking glasses and whatever else was on top of them. He threw mugs and glasses as me, just barely missing my head. He punched holes in the walls and broke things. It would get pretty scary and I’d end up locking myself in the bathroom to try and protect myself. I waited in there until things quieted down, which means he wore himself out and passed out. Then I’d be left to clean up broken glass, blood, and whatever else was all over the place.

I hid alcohol on him a few times and quickly learned that that was a big mistake as it usually resulted in him kicking me out.

I couldn’t trust him to be by himself. I would sometimes go back to London to visit friends and within an hour of me being gone, he’d text me drunk as hell saying he had hurt himself in some way. And during my visit with friends, he would fabricate problems and try anything he could to argue with me so he could break up with me. Then he’d call me when he sobered up and apologize and I was stupid enough to accept the apology and go home to him.

He ended up alienating me from friends and family. I was back into hurting myself and ended up going off my meds. The fact that he wouldn’t even hug me anymore drove me crazy and hurt. I tried leaving twice but ended up back with him.

He went back to working overnight shifts and the stress caused him to drink even more than before. I was starting to think about leaving for good. I had friends helping me decide what to do. But when it came time for me to leave, I really had no where to go. Something at work pissed him off. So he came home at 8am as usual and starting drinking. Just beer at first. I went out with his mom that day for a few hours, begged him not to go out and get more alcohol while I was out. But he did. I got home and he was trashed and the music was blaring. He was angry again. He was on Facebook arguing with someone. I couldn’t get him to calm down so I just sat quietly on the couch and then made us dinner. Which he didn’t eat because he was drunk. He got even more alcohol. The argument he was having with the guy from work was still pissing him off. I told him I loved him and he just flipped out. He punched a huge hole in the wall. He was screaming. Then he took his phone and threw it at my head, it hit me in the forehead. I was going to hang out with a friend that night so I texted him and waited quietly until I could go meet up with him. I had to get out of there.

I didn’t go home that night but the next day and only to pack my things. My friend from Burlington came to pick me up and I stayed with them for a few months.

I left him on November 25th 2013. Up until April 2014 he still harassed me. At first he was just trying to get me to come back. Then he seemed to understand why I wasn’t going to. He wanted to be friends, which I did try and do. We talked on the phone and had each other on Facebook again. But then he found out I was seeing someone. And he flipped. He started posting private photos and threatening to sell them and videos to people. He was cyberstalking me and harassing me on every site I go on. I had no choice but to call the police. They wanted to know why he flipped out like that so I told them everything, including the violent behaviour when we were together. In October of this year, he got charged with 2 counts of assault, 2 of assault with a weapon, 2 of criminal harassment. He’s not allowed to contact me in any way.

He’s still cyberstalking me….but I can’t do anything unless he says something to me.

After the past abusive relationships I was in, I was hoping things with him would’ve been different. But I guess I just made the same damn mistake I always do. But I’ve learned my lesson.

I’m getting over it and learning to trust people again. The flinching has stopped. I’m not as timid as I was when I first met my fiance. He says I’ve made a lot of progress. I’m happy now. I’m sober and have been since April. I’m having a baby. I moved on with my life. Tim is a great guy, he’s never shown any sign of aggression and has been through some awful shit as well. We’re very honest with each other and this is the first time I have been in a relationship with someone I’m not afraid of. I guess what I needed to do was realize that I don’t deserve to be treated the way people have treated me in the past. And because I had such bad self-esteem and really hated myself before, I ended up in bad situations over and over.

Stressful weekend.

I’m just over 31 weeks along now. I almost had a c-section this weekend.

A couple weeks ago, I had my maternity appointment. They said everything was all good. I guess it wasn’t since during the middle of last week I got pretty sick. Thursday night, I was cramping really bad and throwing up. I couldn’t sleep. The next morning, I felt even worse. I was still throwing up and the cramps turned into small contractions. They hurt but I just kinda dealt with it as I had errands to run with the boyfriend. He was very patient and walked as slowly as I felt comfortable and we even stopped a few times so I could take a breather. When we got home, I took a short nap because I was babysitting that night. I let the mother know how I was feeling and what was going on before she picked me up. During babysitting, it just got worse. My back was incredibly sore and the contractions were stronger and more painful, rolling from my lower back all the way to the front of my uterus. I could barely sit up. When I finally got to go home, I ran a warm bath, hoping it would help a little. But it didn’t. The boyfriend helped me out of the water and I relaxed on the couch while the pain just kept going. By 2, we were ready for bed. I was sleeping on the couch because the bed is super uncomfortable. Tim must have been in bed for about 10 minutes, he got up because I was crying and moaning in pain. Not really aware I was doing it. The contractions were 1-2 minutes apart and it felt like my insides were ripping apart. He called his mom and then the ambulance.

When we got to the hospital, at around 2:30am they had put a fetal heart monitor on me after having me do a urine test. The monitor was also keeping track of the contractions. They put me on an IV once it was confirmed that I had a kidney infection. They did multiple blood tests on my other arm, which is now all black and blue and sore. They gave me a Gravol drip to help me stop throwing up. Tim had to leave for work at 5am. They let me rest a bit and then transferred me to another room until the ultrasound. My baby is already sitting pretty far down, head down. Apparently her heart was beating pretty slowly and they brought me back down to the labour and delivery ward. My cervix was checked, it was still closed but soft. Baby’s heart was still concerning. There were 4 nurses in the room as well as a doctor. They told me they were going to have to perform a c-section because the baby was in distress. They had to leave to discuss a plan and I was left by myself, freaking out. They continued to monitor her heart and it was slowly becoming less concerning but they were still worried so they had to send me to another hospital which is better suited to premature babies. They had already given me the shot which develops her lungs just in case something was to happen.

I ended up being on the maternity ward late Saturday night. The next day I went for another ultrasound and to have her heart monitored. She was doing a lot better. The doctor came to talk to me and said that her heart was sounding great but they needed to keep me at least another couple days to get rid of the infection. I ended up being discharged on Monday morning. I’ve got an appointment back at the hospital on Monday afternoon to check up on the baby again.

They kept an

Positive post for a change :) Baby stuff!

I’m now just about to head into my 31st week. I can’t believe how quickly the time has passed.

I can feel her getting bigger and stronger. I love every movement that I’m feeling, especially her little hiccups.

I went to a baby shower with Tim’s mom for her best friend’s daughter. She had a little girl named Sydney. Sydney and Paige are going to be best friends too. It’s already been decided by her grandparents. I got to hold Sydney. It was amazing. She is so tiny and cute. And she fell asleep. She kept smiling, and Tim’s mom says it was gas, kinda funny.

Me holding Sydney. Ignore the big dorky grin.

Me holding Sydney. Ignore the big dorky grin.

I haven’t gained too much weight, just 12 lbs or so but the doctor said my measurements are correct and Paige is the right size. She’s already head down, feet up. It’s crazy cuz I can feel her kicking all over, mostly under my ribcage which hurts like hell.

We’ve got just over 9 weeks left and we’re seeing the doctor every two weeks now. We’re having the shower in January. I can’t wait to have her though. I just want to hug and cuddle her.

Here's my big baby belly. I kind of love it.

Here’s my big baby belly. I kind of love it.

It’s over finally.

Well I didn’t hear from my mom in two weeks. Tim had deleted her off Facebook and the next day she messaged him asking for our address. Of course that did not go over well and he confronted her about everything. About what she’s done to me in the past and how she’s continuing to hurt and disappoint me. He told her to basically own up to her actions and change her ways, make more of an effort with me, or to back off entirely. He sent me a copy of the message so I knew exactly what he said. My mom was not aware that I knew. And she took hours to respond, and finally said she wasn’t going to bother me anymore and then just blocked me. So she gave up. She’d rather give up and not bother trying than owning up to her shit and at least try to be a mother to me. She also had her boyfriend texting me and lying about how they were planning on driving up the next morning to see me. Which is bullshit. My mom has also now cut contact between my baby brother and I. And my youngest sister isn’t talking to me. My mom is telling everyone that I blocked her and my brother and putting all the blame on me. Sadly, this behaviour wasn’t a surprise but it still hurt pretty bad. I was so upset that I was crying and throwing up. I didn’t sleep that night and had a baby shower to go to the next day.

I’m feeling a little better now that it’s been a few days. At first I was pretty numb, after all the crying stopped. But I haven’t been alone too much so I haven’t had time to just sit there and let my thoughts rot in my mind. I hate that I never got the chance to actually tell her how much her actions affected me. I’m also feeling bad because I know that however I am feeling, my baby is probably feeling the same way. And since I’ve been pretty depressed for weeks, I’m a little nervous that I might have effected her negatively.

My mother doesn’t deserve the love she gets from her kids. She plays favourites with my youngest siblings. I recently found out that is because they have a different father than my other sister and I. Someone who acts that selfishly and that hurtful to her children doesn’t deserve any respect from them.

Putting an end to it…

The boyfriend went with me to my counseling appointment. She wanted to meet him and I wanted him with me.

I’m still pretty upset about everything with my mother that’s been going on lately. We talked about that mostly during my appointment. I cried the whole time, I tried not to but I couldn’t hold it in. My boyfriend said something that I already knew, but it hurt to hear. My mother doesn’t love me. She never has and she never will.

I have 2 months and 9 days until my due date and she seems to have pulled away further the closer it gets.

This will be my first child (aside from the two I’ve lost when I was younger), and I want my mother around. I’m obviously scared and nervous. I know she’s not a good mom. She put me through hell and is still continuing to do so. But she’s my mom. I love her.

But I know things will never change. And I know what I have to do. The only thing that’s different this time is that it is entirely my decision and I am not being left alone to deal with the pain afterwords. I have my boyfriend and his family.

It’s just hard to confront someone about this kind of stuff. I’ve done it a few times with her already and I always end up feeling like I was the one who fucked everything up. But I’m not going to let her make me feel like that this time. I’m a hell of a lot stronger than I was before and she’s going to realize that.

How I feel about being pregnant.

I wasn’t supposed to be able to get pregnant. In fact, a month or so before I got pregnant I had a 34 day long period with a 4 day break and then it started up again for a week. I was seeing doctors and they last thing they told me is that I likely wouldn’t be able to get pregnant and that they thought the best option was to have my tubes tied. I’ve had problems since I was 12 and had never really been able to figure out what was wrong. I was pretty upset when they told me it was unlikely that I could have kids. I didn’t want one at the time, but I wanted the option of being able to later.

Well it turns out they were wrong. It was a big surprise and I wasn’t too sure how I felt about it at first. I had been feeling pretty strange and my younger sister had even joked around saying I was pregnant.I cried when I found out because I had lost a baby when I was younger and didn’t want to go through that again. My boyfriend was excited, he said he’s been wanting a baby for a while now. As soon as I found out, I scheduled an appointment at the maternity clinic and started taking prenatals.

The first 4 months were a little hard on us because we were living with his roommate and stuck up in these two tiny rooms in the attic. She’s insane and inconsiderate most of the time but we put up with it until we found a place. My morning sickness was terrible. I was sick all day and there was very little that I could eat without setting it off. That made me feel so tired and weak and I didn’t have the energy for my boyfriend. That made things a little difficult and we were arguing too much. But once we moved into our new place and I was feeling better that changed. Things are pretty awesome now. I briefly worked in a home-run bakery but was fired because around the beginning of October I started feeling pretty tired and sick again. I apparently have a thyroid problem and low iron so that was a huge factor in how I was feeling. My boss was very nice and she understood why I wasn’t feeling well and I’m thankful for that. My boyfriend wasn’t upset about me not working anymore, he just wants me to be healthy and take care of the baby.

Tim’s mom drove us to our ultrasound appointment at 19weeks so we could find out the gender. It was super exciting. He really wanted a boy and I think he was a little disappointment to find out we were having a girl. But by the end up the day he was all giddy and seemed excited. I’m happy that I’ve got someone like him. He’s going to be a great dad.

The first time I felt her move, I wasn’t too sure if it was gas or her. It was interesting. She’s a very active little girl now and moves all day and night. It keeps me up but I’m okay with that because I know she’s healthy. I’m at 29 weeks now and I’ve noticed her little hiccups. Also, the little kicks I felt before are now big swooping movements that move my whole belly. The first time Tim felt them, he had this shocked and excited look on his face. He looked so happy!

We have our maternity appointment next week. I’m a little nervous because I don’t really like our doctor. She always upsets me. The ultrasound techs and even the hospital (I was sick and had to go get checked out) doctors said my baby is at a healthy weight and size and my measurements are correct. But our doctor is trying to say she’s got a defect (she was kicking the heart monitor) and that I haven’t gained enough weight. I’ve got an overactive thyroid and I’ve always been skinny. But I have gained at least 30lbs.My belly is huge and my clothes don’t fit. I eat as much as I should, maybe a little more and make sure it’s all healthy stuff. I know I’m doing what I’m supposed to so I’m trying not to let her upset me too much. She also harassed me into getting a flu shot and I’ve been sick since then. And she’s making me get an allergy test for penicillin on Tuesday. She doesn’t believe that I’m allergic even though my hospital records state that I am.

But, I have 11 weeks left. It’s crazy that the time has gone by so quickly. My younger sister is going to be at the hospital with me when I give birth and offered to stay for a few days to help me out. We’re naming her Paige. I can’t wait to hold her and cuddle her. It makes all the shit I’ve been through in my life worth it to get to this point.

Blood is thicker than water? You know what’s thicker than blood? Bullshit.

Family are meant to be people you can count on no matter what. Ideally, the perfect mother would be there for you, even if you live 3 hours away from her. Your father would be there to protect you, even when you’ve grown up and moved out on your own.  Sadly, some people don’t have great parents. And I just happen to be one of them.

Things with my parents have always been painful. I have early memories of shit I shouldn’t have gone through. My father hurt me in ways I can no longer talk about. He took something from me I’ll never get back, my childhood.

My mother was never there for me. She continues to mess with my head. And I’m stupid enough to keep hoping she’ll change.

Of course they were abusive when I was growing up. I got smacked around a lot. I wasn’t a bad kid. I just did things any other kid would do. Some things I was punished for were a little ridiculous.I remember once choking on a piece of potato at dinner and my mother was angry and forced it all back down my throat as I cried. Another time, my father beat the hell out of me for taking my crayons from the closet and not asking. My parents used thin belts, wooden spoons, and thick books to hit me. Things didn’t change much as I got older. Swearing at my parents didn’t just get the soap in my mouth but wooden spoons covered in dish detergent or powdered laundry soap being shoved into my mouth.  Asking my mother for help with homework when I was 14 resulted in her picking me up by my throat. My father often dragged me around and threw me by my hair when he was angry.

I feel like my parents treated me differently then they did my siblings. For one, my mom often told me that she didn’t want me. When I was around 15-16 and starting to develop my own personality, she would openly admit to being embarrassed of me. She called me ugly. The sexual assault my dad put me through changed me as a person. I grew into a dark minded, depressed, self-harming teenager. I had an eating disorder. I cut myself. My mom couldn’t deal with me being depressed and sent me to the psych hospital, which I stayed for 4 months. The hospital decided it was not safe for me to be at home and sent me to live in a group home. I visited home maybe twice. The last time ended with my mom throwing all my things out onto the lawn. She visited me once in the hospital and that was it.

After moving out on my own we still had our issues. There were a few years where we didn’t talk. And when we did, it always ended the same way. Me getting frustrated with her and trying to talk about it and her completely shutting me down and turning it around so it was my fault. It’s always my fault.

I knew she hated me. I know she still hates me. But I keep trying to get her to be proud of me and just love me. I know it will never happen but I can’t help but still want her.

Now I’m expecting a baby of my own. I have less than three months left. She keeps saying she’s going to see me. That she wants to be in my daughter’s life. But she has yet to follow through with these promises. She constantly lies to not only me, but everyone around her. What’s fucked up is that people feel sorry for her. She wants sympathy for these stupid lies and it’s exactly what she’s getting. Everything that comes out of her mouth (or that she posts online) is bullshit. She’s incredibly fake. The people I’ve talked to about her can see it but sadly no one else can.

She appears to be this caring mother and hopeful grandmother but then to my face (or through a screen), she’s so fake. She’s more excited about her boyfriend’s daughter’s baby than she is mine. Her new “family” means more to her than the one she fucked up and left behind.

I haven’t said anything to her about anything I’m feeling yet but it’s getting hard to stomach. I’m stressed out. She’s said she’s going to visit a few times now but once it comes time for it, she’s either sick or she’s broken her foot or whatever. But then she posts on Facebook that she’s gone out drinking or whatever.  As usual, I get forgotten and she lies to me. Forgets that she’s lied to me and then admits online to the whole world that she’s out partying with people half her age. She tries to hard to appear like she’s a fun, cool person and it’s just sad.

She hangs out with all the people I used to hang out with. She’s wearing the same kinda clothing style that she used to ridicule me for. I don’t understand it. I don’t get why she tries so hard to be something she’s not.

She’s a terrible fucking person.

I do not deserve to be treated how she’s treating me and how she’s treated me my whole life.

Not only am I sick of being upset because of her but my boyfriend is affected by this as well. Every time she lets me down or I see something she says that upsets me, he has to calm me down.I can’t be like this. I’ve got my baby on the way and I need to be strong for my little girl.

As of right now, she is not allowed near my baby. She keeps saying that we have to “split holidays”. I haven’t seen her on Christmas for 6 years! I’m never invited. Ever. But now she thinks she can just come and take my daughter? That is not happening. She’s saying that she’s going to come and take Paige for weekends. No way. I do not trust her. She is not getting anywhere near my little girl. I will not have her messed up like I am.